From the Desk of Bill Zettler
News Flash! Democrats Ban High Rise Construction…
Or “Where there’s smoke there’s lemmings”.
Fresh off their victory protecting tavern workers and their ignorant patrons from the dangerous effects of smoking, Illinois Democrats and the governor have decided to ban the building of high rises in Illinois.
This came about after Blago’s science advisor, Dr. Clinically Correct, mentioned a recent study showing high death rates for ironworkers. These are workers who walk on 6-inch wide beams while working hundreds of feet in the air. Apparently the death rate of ironworkers is even higher than that of workers in taverns that allow smoking. Since smoking has been banned to protect tavern workers certainly “high iron” work has to be banned.
The referred to study appeared in a rather obscure publication called the Kazakhstan Journal of Science and Magic. In this extensive 12-day study a large group of 4 lemmings were fed French fries cooked in trans fat. The lemmings were then trained to climb up to the 16th story of partially completed high rises. At that point the lemmings were forced to smoke 2 packs of unfiltered Camel cigarettes. One of them apparently fell to his death.
It is a little know scientific fact that falling lemmings reach a top speed of 318 miles per hour and thus this particular lemming became a projectile that killed an innocent tavern worker on the sidewalk below. The unfortunate bartender had just stepped outside for a smoke when the lethal lemming landed. Fortunately the lemming bounced off of the bartender and fell on top of the lit cigarette, snuffing the killer weed beneath him. This allowed emergency personnel to approach the body without HAZMAT suits.
The New York Times said this study offers proof that “second hand lemmings” kill innocent people. This led Lisa Madigan to propose banning lemmings in cars that contain children.
However, after the study was completed it was discovered that lemmings have a genetic fear of camels and the demise of the poor fallen lemming could have been caused by his exposure to the cigarette pack with the picture of the camel on it. The shock of seeing a camel that close to him may have caused him to jump.
Undeterred, Blago insisted that scientific consensus was on his side and those who disagreed were “flat earthers” and apologists for the big oil companies and that building high rises would be banned in order to protect ironworkers.
Many high-powered government officials, including the trustees of the Liberty Township Playground Sub-committee, concurred.
A much more important constituency, Starbucks patrons, were heard applauding the ban, apparently not caring since Starbucks are always on the ground floor.
Construction companies complained that the new law would drive them out of business. The gov called them “silly” because if they went out of business they would not have to pay his Gross Receipts Tax though he was not happy about that prospect. As Blago so aptly put it “Companies that go out of business because of my policies should pay their fair share.”
When last seen Blago was on his cell phone talking to Al Gore about producing a new movie called “An Inconvenient Lemming”.