by Bill Zettler
Recently, CBS news conducted an interview with Bruce Springsteen where the rock n roll star outlined his views on America’s role in international affairs. Unknown to many people, CBS conducted a parallel interview with Henry Kissinger where the former Secretary of State discussed his views on Rock n Roll. A transcript of that interview follows:
Mike Wallace: Mr. Secretary, thank you for being with us tonite. As you know, last week we interviewed Bruce Springsteen and asked him to comment on current politics and international affairs. We thought it only fair that we ask you to talk to us tonite about your knowledge of rock n roll.
Henry Kissinger: That’s cool, dude.
Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, before we start our interview, I have to tell you that is one of the largest diamond ear studs I have ever seen.
Henry Kissinger: Ya, came from the deepest DeBeers mine. Twelve carats cut off of the bottom of the Hope Diamond. Got it as part of a consulting contract that prevented civil war in Swaziland
Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, I am forced to ask you this personal question, if I may. Have you had an operation recently?
Henry Kissinger: Operation? I am healthy as a storm trooper. I eat lots of beer and sauerkraut, a little gassy, but really good for you.
Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, I am not sure how to put this to you so I will just say it: A diamond in the right ear indicates you are gay and I know you were recently in Sweden, so I thought perhaps you had had a sex change operation. If so, we would really like to break that story here on CBS! We will give the follow up to Dan Rather if you like.
Henry Kissinger: No, no, no. I vas in Sweden for the Nobel awards, that’s all really!
Mike Wallace: Please, Mr. Secretary, don’t try to tear that diamond out of your ear! It will really bleed a lot if you do!
Henry Kissinger: OK, how about I just turn down the bill of my baseball cap to that side? That will cover it until I can get to my botox guy to work on it.
Mike Wallace: I am sure you tuned in last week for the Springsteen interview, didn’t you?
Henry Kissinger: Oh yes, I took a break from writing my latest paper on the relationship between Mao Tse Dung’s Great March through China and the Nuremberg Trials. Nothing there to compare to Bruce though.
Mike Wallace: We couldn’t agree more. What part of Springsteen’s comments impressed you the most?
Henry Kissinger: I think it was his extensive knowledge of Mullah Yano, which he mentioned frequently. I checked with my sources and they knew nothing about him. Bruce could easily be CIA if he wanted to. And hats off to Asbury Park High School for their terrific international studies program. Obviously Bruce must have been their top scholar.
Mike Wallace: Mullah Yano? Mr. Secretary, I think you have confused a term often used by musicians, athletes and movie stars. It’s “You Know”, y-o-u k-n-o-w, pronounced “ya no”.
Henry Kissinger: Hmm, then I better call my assistant back from Kabul.
Mike Wallace: OK, Dr. Kissinger, let's get back to rock n roll. In the famous movie “Apocalypse Now” Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries” was blasted out from the helicopter gun ships to scare the Viet Cong. Was that the favorite music in the Nixon White House?
Henry Kissinger: Oh no, when we went into Cambodia with the B52’s President Nixon had “Rock Around The Clock” played in the White House elevators. A morale booster he called it. And then when he was forced to leave on that last flight it was “Heartbreak Hotel” on Air Force One.
Mike Wallace: Mr. Secretary, we are running short on time. Let me ask you what instrument you played.
Henry Kissinger: I played the Alpine Horn.
Mike Wallace: Alpine Horn? I am not familiar with that instrument.
Henry Kissinger: Oh sure you are. Think of the Ricola ads with the huge horns. It used to drive my parents nuts when I practiced in the basement with my band.
Mike Wallace: And what was the name of your band?
Henry Kissinger: The “Lederhosen Lightening”. The chicks really loved us.
Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, thank you. Is there anything you would like to say in closing?
Henry Kissinger: Ya know dude, my ear hurts.
Bill Zettler is a contributing editor to RFFM.org