ON THE LIGHTER SIDE
by Dan Gura
What were the odds that out of fifty states, it would be Florida which again finds itself embroiled in a presidential election controversy. Has it really been eight years since America was introduced to the infamous hanging chad when Al Gore tried to pull off a coup worthy of Argentinean strongman Juan Peron.
"As you know Florida is the lynchpin to the presidency. Florida--home of the wet T-shirt contest." Daily Show host Jon Stewart (2000)
CNN.com reported the Democrat's dilemma de jour as follows: "The problem began last year, when Florida and Michigan challenged Democratic Party rules and moved their primaries to earlier in the year.
That gamble, aimed to make their contests more relevant, backfired in a big way. The Democratic National Committee ruled that both states' delegates would not be seated at the party convention. All the Democratic candidates agreed not to campaign in Florida and Michigan before the primary.
A mail-in ballot was one option being considered to solve the quandary facing state and national officials trying to figure out what to do with the state's discounted primary election."
So, let's see, the same population which John Dean, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, George Stephanopoulos, and scores of others under the donkey's banner thought were not savvy enough to vote correctly in 2000 are now suddenly capable of re-voting by mail.
"Last night Vice President Al Gore addressed the nation. A lot of folks in Palm Beach, Florida missed it because they couldn't find the right channel on their remotes." Jay Leno, Tonight Show (2000)
Honest, the DNC is seriously considering spending $6 million to mail ballots to approximately four million registered Florida Democrats. What a windfall for voter fraud. At least in Chicago someone has to show up and pretend to be the dead guy when they steal a vote. Dishonest Floridians will just have to hang out at the mailbox to flitch a few ballots. Maybe Fidel Castro can send over a few thousand poll watchers to insure their delivery.
I have no doubt that every Iraqi patriot who risked death to vote, and proudly bore their purple finger, will think we've gone nuts.
And can't you just picture the confusion as OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT envelopes begin arriving in the mail. "Honey, is that our Economic Stimulus check?" "Nope, it looks like some kind of a survey." "Throw it away."
If they actually go ahead with this hair-brained scheme, the election officials are facing a daunting task. How can they make a paper ballot with exactly one (1) multiple choice question (Clinton or Obama) so simple, so foolproof, so unscrewupabble that every vote will be cast as intended? I'm sure the last thing they want to do is to call former Secretary of State Katherine Harris back from exile to determine the intent of the clueless.
Then, there is the problem of what language(s) should the ballots be printed in. Of course Florida's majority language should receive top billing, with an English translation below it. And, since the ballot will be printed on paper, it will, of course, require a warning label: Warning flammable. Do not vote near an open flame or other source of ignition. May cause an upset stomach, if eaten. May cause a paper cut, if handled by the edges.
"They're still counting absentee ballots in some places. Know how slow it is to count these? Well today seven votes just came in for Michael Dukakis." David Letterman (2000)
But a monkey wrench may about to be thrown into the gears. The Sun-Sentinel ran a story titled, Democrats say mail-in re-vote in Florida looks unlikely. "Florida's Democratic leaders all but pulled the plug on the idea of a mail-in mulligan election to ensure the state gets a say in the historic battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton."
"The re-vote plan submitted.to the Democratic National Committee would involve mailing ballots to the state's 4.1 million Democrats. There would also be 50 regional voting centers where people could vote in person or drop off their mail ballots. The $10 million to $12 million cost would be underwritten by private donations, party officials said."
Whoa! The cost is double since the earlier estimate. They must be planning on importing Chicago election judges to count the ballots.
But I have a solution which will solve their problem at a minimal cost.
Announce as broadly as possible, by television, radio, internet, and newspapers that a spy satellite will be hovering over the Sunshine State that very night. In its belly will be one of those state-of-the-art snooper cameras which can focus on a dime on the sidewalk and tell you whether its heads of tails. Tell everyone the vote will take place as follows. Everyone who wants to vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton should turn off all of their lights. The satellite will then count all of the dark houses. Next, everyone who wants to vote for Barack Hussein Obama should turn their lights on. The satellites will then count the illuminated houses. Since I just saved the DNC eight or nine million dollars, I think the least they can do is pay me a 10% consultant's fee--which I'll donate to John McCain.
Now all we have to do is figure out how to keep Hillary from causing an electrical black-out one minute before the vote counting starts.
"Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." Ambrose Bierce
Anyone wishing to receive RFFM.org e-mails should contact: Dan@rffm.org
NOTE: Comments to RFFM.org's blog which include ad hominems or personal attack will automatically be rejected. No hyperlinks allowed.