"ON THE LIGHTER SIDE" by Dan Gura
Whilst prayerfully protesting in front of Planned Parenthood, I was amazed at how boringly similar the hate-filled vitriol of pro-aborts has become. And, if the lack of creativity isn’t bad enough, an increasing number of these anti-life bigots fail to demonstrate even the most minimal social graces one expects, nay, even demands, from any creature which can walk upright on its hind legs and vote Democratic.
I know it’s hard to believe that liberals--so cultured and refined that they demand the right to stab a perfectly healthy baby with a pair of scissors and suck his/her brain out--could be rude, but it is true.
Now just because I believe God was serious when he commanded, "Thou Shalt Not Kill" and that pro-aborts (herewith called P-A’s) risk damning themselves to hell for all eternity is no reason why I shouldn’t, in a spirit of Christian love and compassion, try to teach them proper manners. I therefore, offer these helpful etiquette tips for you to pass on to any P-A’s you encounter.
1. ENUNCIATE: If you feel you absolutely must share your opinion, please do so clearly and distinctly; allow every pearl of wisdom to form in your mouth and roll off your tongue before you scream the next. Recall how Professor ‘Enry ‘Iggins taught Eliza Doolittle to speak properly in "My Fair Lady." Practice saying, “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” until fully articulate, lest ye sound the fool when we can’t understand you.
2. RESPECT PHYSICS: As any prayer warrior will tell you, P-A’s frequently feel obligated to embarrass themselves by screaming out of their car windows at forty miles-per-hour. Sadly, their hate-filled screed is for naught, as they have failed to take the Doppler Effect into consideration. In case you weren’t paying attention in your high school science class, Austrian physicist Christian (isn’t that a great first name) Doppler first stated f2=f1[v/(v+-v)] in 1842. Simply put, it is the effect produced by a moving source of sound waves in which there is an apparent shift in frequency for stationary observers. Still too hard to understand? Then think of the sound a train’s horn makes as it rockets past your stopped car…the well thought out message which you shout as your car roars past sounds like "whyyydonntttyouuumoottthhherrrfaaattthhhheerrrsssgooohooommme" to us. Remember, just because Satan knows what you are screaming--after all he formed the words on your blasphemous lips--doesn’t mean we have a clue what you are trying to communicate.
3. PAY ATTENTION: In the words of the Doors’ hit song "Roadhouse Blues," P-A’s should “keep your eyes on the road”. Not following this admonition can cause an accident as happened while we picked abortionist Vinod Goyal's neighborhood last year. A male P-A, no doubt showing off for the female in his passenger seat, took his eyes off the road, leaned across her and started to scream something that sounded like "whyyydontyouuuu…." He never finished because he slammed into the rear of the car ahead of him who had stopped to make a left turn. He received a ticket from the Palatine Police and had to pay for the damage to the innocent auto he rear-ended.
4. HANDS AT TEN AND TWO. Again, as Jim Morrison of the Doors urged “...and your hands upon the wheel.”
Far too many P-A’s insist on giving the one-fingered salute with not just one, but both hands. It is hard to control a car with both middle fingers pointed towards Heaven, particularly when your eyes are filled with rage.
5. BUY A THESAURUS. Do you have any idea how many times we hear someone yelling the basic F-You? This book is invaluable for those who are not intelligent enough to string together a sentence without the F-word (which, while I will admit is versatile enough to be used as a verb--transitive and intransitive, active or passive, an adverb, a noun, or an adjective, simply exposes how minimal your grasp of the English language is). Do us all a favor and get creative…expand your vocabulary. Learn some new words…there are literally tens of thousand of words which can be strung together to insult (affront, abuse, offend, slur, slight) those doing God’s work.
6. BUY AN INSULT BOOK. Invest a few bucks in an insult book…there are stores which sell row after row of books which will teach you how to express yourself. You can choose from a book with 5,000 Shakespearean insults (from 38 plays), one titled "Depraved and Insulting English," and last, but certainly not least, the classic Samuel Johnson’s Insults which promises “more than 300 of the curmudgeonly lexicographer’s mightiest barbs.” Sweet.
True case in point: My daughter bought me a great book for Christmas a few years back, "How to Insult, abuse & Insinuate in Classical Latin." One of my favorites is “Si decem habeas lingas, mutum esse assecet…Even if you had ten tongues, you ought to hold them all.” Now that’s an insult, even if you ain’t educated enough to speak the language of Latin America.
7. DON’T EVEN THINK OF THROWING ANYTHING AT US. Most pro-lifers carry cameras with them…get a hair cut and wear clean underwear because we will take your picture. We will report you to the police. We will press charges. You will be arrested. You will be found guilty in court.
8. READ THE BIBLE, DROP TO YOUR KNEES AND BEG JESUS CHRIST'S FORGIVENESS. I don’t care if it takes an exorcism, it will be worth it. Whether you like it or not we are praying for you…we are praying that the evil which is indwelt in your heart will be vanquished. We will never stop praying for your salvation. "Jesus forgives and saves" is not just a saying that we have on our posters…it is the truth…it is His promise…and it is the only hope you have to spend eternity with our Savior.
Dan Gura is a free lance writer and political satirist from Illinois and a contributing editor to RFFM.org.
Copyright 2007 Dan Gura
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