Chief Illiniwek Bites The Dust by Bill Zettler

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The 7th Cavalry couldn’t get him nor could Ohio State, Wisconsin or Northwestern.  But the soldiers of political correctness ambushed him and he died without a whimper.  Oh Chief, we hardly knew ye.

Now that he is officially gone, we should begin our search for some less objectionable naming convention.  I mean how much more insulting can you be than to call someone Chief?

So why not General Illiniwek?  Well, that works for me, but I suppose that brings up connotations of “war monger” among university types.

OK, how about President Illiniwek?  No, that will probably remind us of missing WMD's and I hate talking about WMD's during the game.

I got it - CHEF Illiniwek - with a logo consisting of a gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral person holding a Teflon coated pan sautéing a low fat, organic Buffalo steak.  I mean a spear is so testosterone.  Let's just hope that we don’t offend PETA.

And I suppose we have to deal with the insulting word “Brave” as in the Bradley University Braves.  Who wouldn’t be offended by that slur?  So, to save Bradley from NCAA playoff sanctions may I suggest their new nickname be the “Bradley Cowards.” Perhaps the logo could be Jacque Chirac in a beret standing behind a wall waving a white flag.  Their new cheer “Go Cowards go” would strike fear into the heart of every opponent.

The next naming problem involves America’s largest tribe, the Irish, as in Notre Dame's “Fighting Irish”.  Their logo consists of a DNA challenged little person (isn’t “leprechaun” politically incorrect?) with his fists up in a fighting stance.  Certainly thousands of Irish-Americans are offended by this ethnic portrayal and wonder why not a big brawny Irishman wearing a peace symbol on his green jacket while holding a certificate from a 12-step anger management program.  Their new motto: “The Peaceful Irish – losing is OK”.

Of course there is a bigger problem here in Illinois – it is the word “Illinois” itself, an Indian word that surely must offend someone somewhere.  Upon hearing about this, our governor, ever aware of offended people, immediately held a press conference and suggested we change the state name to Blagojevich.  When a reporter asked if that wasn’t too hard to spell, the governor reminded him that we all learned to spell Mississippi (another Indian word) in grade school and certainly future generations of children could learn to do the same with “Blagojevich”.  He did admit, however, that changing all of the state letterhead to “State of Blagojevich” before next year's election would be problematic.

Unfortunately for Blago, Lisa Madigan has decided to sue the governor under a clause in an obscure 19th century statute called “The Horse Manure Reduction Act of 1895” which requires state name changes to be the exclusive province of the Attorney General.  Madigan noted that although “Horse Manure Reduction” has not been enforced in Springfield for decades that fact did not lessen its validity.  Therefore, she has put forward a more socially conscious name: “Politically-Correct Non-smoking Midwestern Blue State”.  Apparently the “Non-smoking” was added to distinguish us from Minnesota.

Newspaper editors and reporters huddled in Madigan’s office were heard applauding her announcement.

In the end, we are literally surrounded by insults, slurs and Colonial-Imperialistic names.  There is Wisconsin and Iowa and Missouri and Kentucky and the ultimate insult, Indiana.  One wonders where it will all end.