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Gibson / Palin Interview: The Lost Questions

During Charlie Gibson's interview on ABC with Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, millions of Americans did not notice something very important.  As Gibson was looking down his pointy nose at Palin, some of his notes slipped from his lap onto the floor.  RFFM.org has been fortunate enough to obtain the lost Gibson questions and we hope they will shed more light on Gibson's journalistic style and some of the preparation he used to get ready for the first national interview with Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin. 

 

Q.  Governor Palin, your answer about the Bush Doctrine was a bit shaky, but let's get down to brass tacks here.  We all know women, especially conservative women, are very good secretaries, i.e., typing, stenography, etc., if you are our nation's next vice-president, being consistent with the Republican ideal of smaller government, can we expect you to take over some of the secretarial duties around the White House.  By the way, before you answer that question, could you get me a cup of coffee?  

 

Q.  Some men believe women like to gossip.  Therefore, concerns have arisen regarding a McCain/Palin administration.  If you were vice-president would you be able to keep state secrets from our enemies?

 

Q.  It's a fact of life women under a certain age go through what is commonly referred to as that "time of the month."  If you were president one day soon, because of some kind of tragedy, would our country be put in jeopardy during this "time of the month"?  What is your plan to deal with this very serious matter?

 

Q.  On a related subject, PMS may have led to many wars down through history.  Though there haven't been that many women in power, women going through PMS might have drove their husbands crazy and, if their spouse happened to be a leader of a nation, we could all see where this might lead.  How bad is your PMS or is this a question that would be better answered by the "First Dude"? 

 

Q.  Of course, the president and vice-president entertain many foreign dignitaries.  Do you have any good recipes you would like to share with the White House chef or will you be cooking and planning state dinners yourself?  

 

Q.  It's often been said "a woman's place is in the kitchen".  Therefore, will you be holding important meetings in the White House kitchen itself, so you can hear when the timer goes off for some of your very special recipes?  I hate to be flippant here, but I suppose you will give new meaning to the words White House Cabinet.  Do you prefer oak or cedar?

 

Q.  You obviously are a very attractive woman.  Is there any chance we can get together for a more intimate interview, perhaps about 9 or 10 this evening?  (NOTE TO SELF:  This question not for on-air use.)

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:  RFFM.org will post more of the lost Gibson questions in the near future.  But if any of RFFM.org's readers have found some of Charlie Gibson's missing questions, feel free to post them.

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Barack Obama: Dems choose B.O. over Hillary: But will choice leave Party holding its nose in November?

by Daniel T. Zanoza, Executive Director 

 

Barack Obama (B.O.) without a teleprompter makes Elmer Fudd sound like the late Winston Churchill.  His wife was never proud of America before the year 2008.  If his former Pastor donned a sheet, he could give a good impression of the Grand Cyclops of the Ku Klux Klan.  He hangs out with people who attempted to blow up the Pentagon.  One of his favorite orators is the "Reverend" Louis Farrakhan.  He thinks there are 57 states in America.  He believes people who take faith seriously and exercise their Second Amendment rights are "bitter."  Once upon a time, he refused to wear a flag pin on his lapel.  In the past, he balked at putting his hand over his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance or was it the National Anthem?  Heck, what's the difference to him.  He believes terrorist nations, including Iran, are minor problems that can be brushed away with a bit of his inescapable charm.  In fact, he believes direct negotiations with the leaders of terrorist nations is just fine.  He wants to make the United States energy independent, but he won't advocate offshore drilling, tapping into shale resource oil reserves, he doesn't want to drill in ANWR and he's against nuclear energy development.  And to put frosting on a very foul tasting cake, B.O. wants to tax everything, including our memory.  (Yes, this is an old joke, but it seems to work every time.)  Finally, he barely huffed and puffed across the finish line in his race against Hillary Clinton to be the presumptive Democratic Party's presidential nominee.

 

On the plus side, he has the dominant media in his pocket--which some might see as a blessing and others might compare to using a rattle snake as a belt for some loose pants.  If you smell something, it won't be B.O. himself because I'm sure the cologne he uses is more expensive than all the clothes in my wife's wardrobe and mine combined.  But there might be a foul air emanating from DNC Headquarters these days because, as B.O.'s negatives go up, that Democratic dream of again inhabiting the White House is flying away--like a smelly vulture, after gorging itself on a meal of Democratic hopes.

 

Therefore, B.O. may be the operative word this campaign season for the Dems.  But it may be a fragrance they won't like.

 

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Comments to RFFM.org's blog which include ad hominems or personal attack will automatically be rejected.  No hyperlinks allowed. 

Anyone wishing to receive RFFM.org e-mails should contact [email protected]   

 

Comments to RFFM.org's blog which include ad hominems or personal attack will automatically be rejected.  No hyperlinks allowed. 

Secret Interview: Henry Kissinger Discusses Rock n Roll with Mike Wallace

by Bill Zettler

Recently, CBS news conducted an interview with Bruce Springsteen where the rock n roll star outlined his views on America’s role in international affairs.  Unknown to many people, CBS conducted a parallel interview with Henry Kissinger where the former Secretary of State discussed his views on Rock n Roll. A transcript of that interview follows:

Mike Wallace: Mr. Secretary, thank you for being with us tonite.  As you know, last week we interviewed Bruce Springsteen and asked him to comment on current politics and international affairs.  We thought it only fair that we ask you to talk to us tonite about your knowledge of rock n roll.

Henry Kissinger: That’s cool, dude.

Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, before we start our interview, I have to tell you that is one of the largest diamond ear studs I have ever seen.

Henry Kissinger: Ya, came from the deepest DeBeers mine.  Twelve carats cut off of the bottom of the Hope Diamond.  Got it as part of a consulting contract that prevented civil war in Swaziland

Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, I am forced to ask you this personal question, if I may.  Have you had an operation recently?

Henry Kissinger: Operation? I am healthy as a storm trooper.  I eat lots of beer and sauerkraut, a little gassy, but really good for you.

Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, I am not sure how to put this to you so I will just say it:  A diamond in the right ear indicates you are gay and I know you were recently in Sweden, so I thought perhaps you had had a sex change operation.  If so, we would really like to break that story here on CBS!  We will give the follow up to Dan Rather if you like.

Henry Kissinger: No, no, no.  I vas in Sweden for the Nobel awards, that’s all really!

Mike Wallace: Please, Mr. Secretary, don’t try to tear that diamond out of your ear!  It will really bleed a lot if you do!

Henry Kissinger: OK, how about I just turn down the bill of my baseball cap to that side?  That will cover it until I can get to my botox guy to work on it.

Mike Wallace: I am sure you tuned in last week for the Springsteen interview, didn’t you?

Henry Kissinger: Oh yes, I took a break from writing my latest paper on the relationship between Mao Tse Dung’s Great March through China and the Nuremberg Trials.  Nothing there to compare to Bruce though.

Mike Wallace: We couldn’t agree more.  What part of Springsteen’s comments impressed you the most?

Henry Kissinger: I think it was his extensive knowledge of Mullah Yano, which he mentioned frequently.  I checked with my sources and they knew nothing about him.  Bruce could easily be CIA if he wanted to.  And hats off to Asbury Park High School for their terrific international studies program.  Obviously Bruce must have been their top scholar.

Mike Wallace: Mullah Yano? Mr. Secretary, I think you have confused a term often used by musicians, athletes and movie stars.  It’s “You Know”, y-o-u  k-n-o-w, pronounced “ya no”.

Henry Kissinger: Hmm, then I better call my assistant back from Kabul.

Mike Wallace: OK, Dr. Kissinger, let's get back to rock n roll. In the famous movie “Apocalypse Now” Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries” was blasted out from the helicopter gun ships to scare the Viet Cong.  Was that the favorite music in the Nixon White House?

Henry Kissinger: Oh no, when we went into Cambodia with the B52’s President Nixon had “Rock Around The Clock” played in the White House elevators.  A morale booster he called it.  And then when he was forced to leave on that last flight it was “Heartbreak Hotel” on Air Force One.

Mike Wallace: Mr. Secretary, we are running short on time.  Let me ask you what instrument you played.

Henry Kissinger: I played the Alpine Horn.

Mike Wallace: Alpine Horn?  I am not familiar with that instrument.

Henry Kissinger: Oh sure you are.  Think of the Ricola ads with the huge horns. It used to drive my parents nuts when I practiced in the basement with my band.

Mike Wallace: And what was the name of your band?

Henry Kissinger: The “Lederhosen Lightening”.  The chicks really loved us.

Mike Wallace: Dr. Kissinger, thank you.  Is there anything you would like to say in closing?

Henry Kissinger: Ya know dude, my ear hurts.

Bill Zettler is a contributing editor to RFFM.org

Apologies to all. Should there be a statute of limitations on apologies? Sounds like a good idea. by Bill Zettler

From the desk of Bill Zettler

Apologies to all.

Since government apologies seem to be more and more popular these days, especially in Blue States, I thought perhaps we should try to standardize and regulate the apology process because I for one am confused.

For example, since Illinois Lieutenant Governor Pat Quinn recently apologized to the Mormons for their mistreatment by Illinoisans in 1845, I suggest that Mormons (and all of Utah) receive a certificate authenticating 13 million apologies (1 for each Illinois citizen).

Now, since there are only two million Utahans, they would have 11 million apologies left over that they could use to offset their offenses. For example, recently there was a news story relating how a small business owner in Arizona wanted to move his firm to Utah, but a gay couple that worked for him objected because they believe Mormons discriminate against gays. The Mormons could immediately offset that slight by sending two of their 11 million remaining apologies to the gay couple. In fact, if they were in a generous mood, they could send say 10,000 apologies thus providing the couple with an extra 9,998 apologies for their own use. That couple in turn could then immediately return to Utah 5,000 or so of their extra apologies to offset any hurt feelings that may have been suffered by non-gay-discriminating Mormons.

And perhaps for those left over apologies we could establish a market on eBay. I can see an ad saying something like this: “For Sale: 10 Illinois apologies, slightly used by Mormons, but worth at least 20 mea culpas”.

However, I think we need to control the apology process somewhat by having a statute of limitations of say 1,000 years. This would mean, for example, that Queen Elizabeth would have to apologize to Middle East citizens for Richard the Lion Hearted sending Crusaders slashing and burning through Antioch, Tyre and Jerusalem during the Crusades.  On the other hand, King Abdullah of Jordan, a descendant of a long line of Arab kings, would, in turn, have to apologize to the European Union for beheading various and sundry knights-errant during the same period.

Under this rule, Hungarians would not have to apologize for Attila’s 5th century depredations against the Goths, Lombards and Romans because it would be beyond the 1,000 year statute of limitations. This is a good thing, since finding all those Gothic and Lombardian descendants would be problematic. One thing we don’t want to do is apologize to the wrong person or group. That would defeat the whole purpose and would drive down prices on eBay.

I think as part of our zero-tolerance apology rules we should provide buttons for people like Pat Quinn which say: “I apologize to you if anyone of my race, gender, ethnicity, religion, country, state, county, township, bowling team or species has offended you or your ancestors--unless those ancestors have been dead for over 1,000 years”.

I know that is a lot for one button, but this is important.

That leaves only one remaining issue -– extraterrestrials. I mean do they apologize to us for examining our organs on their spaceships without reading us our Miranda rights or do we apologize to them for dismissively calling them DNA-challenged little green men?

I think I will let Pat Quinn and the UN handle that one.

Bill Zettler is a contributing editor to RFFM.org.

News Flash! Democrats Ban High Rise Construction…

From the Desk of Bill Zettler

News Flash! Democrats Ban High Rise Construction…
Or “Where there’s smoke there’s lemmings”.

Fresh off their victory protecting tavern workers and their ignorant patrons from the dangerous effects of smoking, Illinois Democrats and the governor have decided to ban the building of high rises in Illinois.

This came about after Blago’s science advisor, Dr. Clinically Correct, mentioned a recent study showing high death rates for ironworkers. These are workers who walk on 6-inch wide beams while working hundreds of feet in the air. Apparently the death rate of ironworkers is even higher than that of workers in taverns that allow smoking. Since smoking has been banned to protect tavern workers certainly “high iron” work has to be banned.

The referred to study appeared in a rather obscure publication called the Kazakhstan Journal of Science and Magic. In this extensive 12-day study a large group of 4 lemmings were fed French fries cooked in trans fat. The lemmings were then trained to climb up to the 16th story of partially completed high rises. At that point the lemmings were forced to smoke 2 packs of unfiltered Camel cigarettes. One of them apparently fell to his death.

It is a little know scientific fact that falling lemmings reach a top speed of 318 miles per hour and thus this particular lemming became a projectile that killed an innocent tavern worker on the sidewalk below. The unfortunate bartender had just stepped outside for a smoke when the lethal lemming landed. Fortunately the lemming bounced off of the bartender and fell on top of the lit cigarette, snuffing the killer weed beneath him. This allowed emergency personnel to approach the body without HAZMAT suits.

The New York Times said this study offers proof that “second hand lemmings” kill innocent people. This led Lisa Madigan to propose banning lemmings in cars that contain children.

However, after the study was completed it was discovered that lemmings have a genetic fear of camels and the demise of the poor fallen lemming could have been caused by his exposure to the cigarette pack with the picture of the camel on it. The shock of seeing a camel that close to him may have caused him to jump.

Undeterred, Blago insisted that scientific consensus was on his side and those who disagreed were “flat earthers” and apologists for the big oil companies and that building high rises would be banned in order to protect ironworkers.

Many high-powered government officials, including the trustees of the Liberty Township Playground Sub-committee, concurred.

A much more important constituency, Starbucks patrons, were heard applauding the ban, apparently not caring since Starbucks are always on the ground floor.

Construction companies complained that the new law would drive them out of business. The gov called them “silly” because if they went out of business they would not have to pay his Gross Receipts Tax though he was not happy about that prospect. As Blago so aptly put it “Companies that go out of business because of my policies should pay their fair share.”

When last seen Blago was on his cell phone talking to Al Gore about producing a new movie called “An Inconvenient Lemming”.

Stay tuned.

Chief Illiniwek Bites The Dust by Bill Zettler

Previous Page

The 7th Cavalry couldn’t get him nor could Ohio State, Wisconsin or Northwestern.  But the soldiers of political correctness ambushed him and he died without a whimper.  Oh Chief, we hardly knew ye.

Now that he is officially gone, we should begin our search for some less objectionable naming convention.  I mean how much more insulting can you be than to call someone Chief?

So why not General Illiniwek?  Well, that works for me, but I suppose that brings up connotations of “war monger” among university types.

OK, how about President Illiniwek?  No, that will probably remind us of missing WMD's and I hate talking about WMD's during the game.

I got it - CHEF Illiniwek - with a logo consisting of a gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral person holding a Teflon coated pan sautéing a low fat, organic Buffalo steak.  I mean a spear is so testosterone.  Let's just hope that we don’t offend PETA.

And I suppose we have to deal with the insulting word “Brave” as in the Bradley University Braves.  Who wouldn’t be offended by that slur?  So, to save Bradley from NCAA playoff sanctions may I suggest their new nickname be the “Bradley Cowards.” Perhaps the logo could be Jacque Chirac in a beret standing behind a wall waving a white flag.  Their new cheer “Go Cowards go” would strike fear into the heart of every opponent.

The next naming problem involves America’s largest tribe, the Irish, as in Notre Dame's “Fighting Irish”.  Their logo consists of a DNA challenged little person (isn’t “leprechaun” politically incorrect?) with his fists up in a fighting stance.  Certainly thousands of Irish-Americans are offended by this ethnic portrayal and wonder why not a big brawny Irishman wearing a peace symbol on his green jacket while holding a certificate from a 12-step anger management program.  Their new motto: “The Peaceful Irish – losing is OK”.

Of course there is a bigger problem here in Illinois – it is the word “Illinois” itself, an Indian word that surely must offend someone somewhere.  Upon hearing about this, our governor, ever aware of offended people, immediately held a press conference and suggested we change the state name to Blagojevich.  When a reporter asked if that wasn’t too hard to spell, the governor reminded him that we all learned to spell Mississippi (another Indian word) in grade school and certainly future generations of children could learn to do the same with “Blagojevich”.  He did admit, however, that changing all of the state letterhead to “State of Blagojevich” before next year's election would be problematic.

Unfortunately for Blago, Lisa Madigan has decided to sue the governor under a clause in an obscure 19th century statute called “The Horse Manure Reduction Act of 1895” which requires state name changes to be the exclusive province of the Attorney General.  Madigan noted that although “Horse Manure Reduction” has not been enforced in Springfield for decades that fact did not lessen its validity.  Therefore, she has put forward a more socially conscious name: “Politically-Correct Non-smoking Midwestern Blue State”.  Apparently the “Non-smoking” was added to distinguish us from Minnesota.

Newspaper editors and reporters huddled in Madigan’s office were heard applauding her announcement.

In the end, we are literally surrounded by insults, slurs and Colonial-Imperialistic names.  There is Wisconsin and Iowa and Missouri and Kentucky and the ultimate insult, Indiana.  One wonders where it will all end.